


looking up is second nature, just to watch you soar

by hyunghoney



Series: love endlessly. [2]
Category: Monsta X (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst with a Happy Ending, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Mentions of Cancer, Past Character Death, Past Child Abuse, there arent enough hyungheon fics on ao3
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-09
Updated: 2018-03-09
Packaged: 2019-03-29 01:22:39
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,998
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13916361
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hyunghoney/pseuds/hyunghoney
Summary: When Jooheon comes home in a blaze of glory, Hyungwon is at the same place he’s always been.





	looking up is second nature, just to watch you soar

**Author's Note:**

  * For [luottus](https://archiveofourown.org/users/luottus/gifts).



> written for the queen of hyungheon who opened my eyes to the beauty of hyungheon <3

_“My heart that loved you_

_My eyes that looked at you_

_Are still here.”_

 

**Part 1. Rinse and Repeat**

 

February is Hyungwon’s least favourite time of the year. It’s too close yet too far to spring arriving so the harsh wind still whips at everyone’s faces, howls in people’s ears deafeningly, the strength of it threatening to throw Hyungwon off balance with every step. The central heating in Hyungwon’s shitty apartment has been messed up since the previous year, leaving the place freezing and basically uninhabitable, so he makes do with a cheap space heater Changkyun got him for Christmas.

 

It doesn’t matter much anyway, since Hyungwon rarely has time to go home these days. More than half of his co-workers had taken time off for the Seollal holidays, and Hyungwon’s been working back to back shifts since the week began. Not that he’s complaining, of course, since it means his pay will nearly double this month. But still.

 

“At some point you get sick of washing dishes all day.” Hyungwon laments to Changkyun as he takes his first break in four hours. It’s 4pm and they sit together at the back exit of the restaurant, huddled in a corner of the doorway for warmth. The younger boy laughs in response and pats his arm comfortingly, but he doesn’t really understand.

 

Changkyun’s 21 years old, taking a gap year before he heads off to university overseas. He’s not going to do this job forever. On his end, Hyungwon can’t really see himself doing anything else anymore. He’s too settled into this routine, working for the whole day and going home to sleep, rinse and repeat. Hyungwon shakes the self-pity out of his mind.

 

They sit in silence for a few minutes, Hyungwon absently sipping at his coffee and Changkyun playing games on his phone. Changkyun’s shift is over so he stands quietly, throwing Hyungwon a quick grin before leaving. Hyungwon returns to the kitchen for his last shift of the day. Rinse, repeat.

 

Hyungwon gives polite bows and waves to the manager and his co-workers as they all leave the restaurant. His co-workers are discussing loudly, talking about getting a drink after work at the bar near their restaurant. Even if Hyungwon still had enough energy to socialise right now, his co-workers were all either way too young or too old to be friends with anyway, so Hyungwon slips quietly away from the group to head home.

 

His apartment building is thankfully only a short walk from the restaurant. Hyungwon puts his earbuds in and drags his tired feet home.

 

“Hyungwon hyung!” A high-pitched voice shouts over the music in his ears. Hyungwon looks up with a wide grin as he sees a tiny and familiar figure running at him. The child leaps into his arms, baby face brightened by a wide smile as he tells Hyungwon about his day. Laughing, Hyungwon adjusts his aching arms to better carry the child and listens patiently to his story. By the time the child’s mother, a sweet woman in her mid thirties who lived close by, comes to get him, fifteen minutes have passed, and Hyungwon’s spirits have been lifted.

 

Hyungwon doesn’t feel too bad for himself, really. Maybe working a shitty job as a dishwasher at a small restaurant in the same town he grew up in wasn’t what he pictured when he was younger, but at least he’s surviving, and he’s comfortable where he is.

 

He looks around the town as he makes his way to the building. In the many years that he’d lived there the town had not changed one bit, the same shops lining the street, the same playground that he used to love playing at still standing where it had always been. Just like him.

 

* * *

 

 

Hyungwon’s phone rings a few minutes after he gets home. He answers without checking who is calling, and is greeted by a familiar voice.

 

“Hey asshole, how’ve you been? I’ve missed you!” Hyungwon feels a smile creeping onto his face once he hears his best friend’s voice. He sits down on the mattress and turns on the space heater before replying.

 

“I missed you too. I’ve been fine, same as always. What about you? You and Minhyuk doing okay?”

 

Kihyun updates him on his and Minhyuk’s lives, what they’ve been up to and how their work has been. Hyungwon listens to stories about Minhyuk’s promotion and the holiday they’d been on, and doesn’t say much other than to confirm he’s still there. There isn’t much to say other than the same stuff Kihyun always hears anyway.

 

Kihyun and Minhyuk were his best friends growing up, but (like everyone else he grew up with) they’re gone now. These days they rarely talk, all too busy with their lives to really keep up with each other. Still, it’s really nice to hear about how they are. They’re both doing great, as far as Hyungwon can tell. Minhyuk is working for some huge business firm and Kihyun is, surprisingly (to Hyungwon), a lawyer. Hyungwon tries to picture the chubby, rosy-cheeked boy he used to spend every single day with all smartly dressed in a suit and tie, but the thought of it just makes him crack up.

 

Of course, Kihyun looks different now. He’s really grown up, judging from the pictures Hyungwon sees on Facebook, sharp eyed and handsome. Minhyuk, of course, has always been beautiful, but now he’s more radiant than ever. Hyungwon watches them through social media and is always in disbelief at how much they’ve changed.  

 

“You know, I met Jooheon the other day.” Hyungwon snaps out of his reverie at the mention of Jooheon’s name.

 

“He looks like he’s doing really well. Had a manager with him and everything. Though he was surrounded by fans, so it was a little hard to say hi.”

 

A feeling he can’t explain burns up in Hyungwon’s chest, but he ignores the pang of emotion.

 

“Yeah, he must be doing great.” He agrees, keeping the emotion out of his voice. Kihyun moves on quickly from the topic to talk about some important client he had been handling, unaware of how his words had affected Hyungwon.

 

Hyungwon stops listening. His mind is full, once again, of thoughts of Jooheon. Jooheon, who’d always been so bright and cheerful. Jooheon, who had left to fulfil his dreams and actually succeeded. Jooheon, who loved him and had never wanted to leave without him. Jooheon, who is doing so well now, without him. Jooheon without him.

 

Jooheon, Jooheon, Jooheon.

 

When Kihyun says bye and hangs up, Hyungwon barely even notices.

 

(Jooheon, Jooheon, Jooheon.)

 

Hyungwon scrolls down his instagram absent-mindedly until he sees a post from Jooheon’s account.

 

In the picture, Jooheon poses in front of his fans at a concert, glowing with happiness. He’s been headlining a lot of events lately, and this was the latest one. The caption states that the venue was sold out in a few hours, a record for him so far. A proud smile comes easily onto Hyungwon’s face at the sight.

 

Jooheon had always been the better of the two of them – more talented, more hardworking, more determined. Hyungwon had always been the wimp, too afraid to even try anything for fear of failing. Up there, on stage, radiant, showcasing his talent to the world, that was the life that Jooheon deserved. Since the last time they’d met, Jooheon had made leaps and bounds in success that they’d never have dreamt possible. (And Hyungwon had _failed_ to take even a single step, rooted to where he’d always been.)  

 

Hyungwon tries to imagine himself in that magical scene, standing proudly with Jooheon, high on their success, instead of just watching his life in pictures, but it’s impossible to even think of. Jooheon’s life is just a far-off dream Hyungwon had thrown away years ago, and it seems a million miles away. Somewhere Hyungwon can no longer reach. Or perhaps somewhere he’d never have been able to reach. The thought _doesn’t_ hurt.

 

It’s midnight. Hyungwon washes up and goes to bed, getting ready to wake up for another full-day shift the next day. Rinse. Repeat.

 

* * *

 

**Part 2. With/out**

 

_“Where do you think we’ll be, years from now?”_

 

_Jooheon asked the same question he always did, when they were having a comfortable silence and the sun was setting and he lay across Hyungwon and Minhyuk’s laps, watching the sky turn dark in the comfort of Hyungwon’s backyard._

_Kihyun looked up from where he rested, leaning against a chair, but didn’t say anything in response. He and Minhyuk both know that question was never directed at them, and were happy to let their friends dream aloud._

 

_Hyungwon ran his fingers through his boyfriend’s soft hair, smiling. His fingers traced the soft cheeks, the plump lips, the bridge of Jooheon’s nose. Jooheon’s eyes shifted from watching the sky to watching Hyungwon instead, but he smiled dreamily as though he was still looking at the stars slowly twinkle into sight._

 

 _Hyungwon had always dreamt of the stars. He dreamt of the stage, having thousands of people know his name, performing to sold-out venues. He looked into his boyfriend’s eyes and saw his same dreams reflected in them, saw_ himself _reflected in them._

 

 _That was what they had always dreamt of – Becoming famous, together. Years later when their eyes would be wide and full of wonder, and they’d be shining under the brilliant stage lights, kings and commanders of the stage that they built from the ground up, squeezing tight against each other’s palms, and_ together _._

 

_Before Jooheon, Hyungwon had never given performing a single thought. But from the minute he had first realised he loved Jooheon, he knew there was nothing else he was made for._

 

_Jooheon knew what his reply was, it would always be the same._

 

_“Everywhere.” He replied._

 

_“Together,” Jooheon agreed._

* * *

 

 

Hyungwon sits in his usual booth at the bar, vaguely paying attention to the small television screen on the wall which is on some music channel.  

 

Jooheon appears on the screen. The usual chit-chat of the bartenders and the bustle of the drunkards turn to white noise in his ears. Hyungwon watches Jooheon perform, proud as always. He nods his head to the music that plays softly from the speakers.

 

Jooheon’s latest comeback had been the best yet, his artistry growing and improving with every year. His stubborn nature had pushed him to debut solo under a small entertainment label against everyone’s advice, and of course he was now proving them all wrong by rapidly gaining popularity and reaching success unparalleled by any other solo rapper. Classic Jooheon.

 

Hyungwon doesn’t try to convince himself he isn’t a little pathetic, a college dropout stuck in the same town he’d grown up in, watching his ex-boyfriend live both of their dreams.  

 

He needs a drink, he thinks. Hyungwon feels himself get up and walk without consciously doing it. His mind still is too clouded.

 

Jooheon, Jooheon, Jooheon.

 

* * *

 

The day that Jooheon comes home, Hyungwon is a right mess.

 

It’s five days before Seollal and three days before Valentines’ day. Hyungwon’s been in the restaurant since 6am that day, decorating. The owner was unsure which celebration to decorate for, so the place ended up being covered in a very ambiguous red. By the time they’re done, Hyungwon’s reeking of sweat, face greasy from working since dawn, and completely exhausted.

 

It’s 3.30pm when Hyungwon is called out to wait on the customers. He finds it a little strange, since all the waiters are around and they shouldn’t really need extra people to work at this time. He grumbles a little but removes his dishwashing gloves and straightens himself up a bit before leaving the kitchen. The patrons of the restaurant are just people who’ve known him forever anyway, so he doesn’t really have anyone to impress.

 

Once he steps into the dining area it becomes clear that he was wrong on the second point.

 

Hyungwon doesn’t know how he didn’t hear the noise coming from the diner before. It’s fifty times louder than usual, and the restaurant is crowded with people, mostly teenagers. The teenagers are the source of the noise, shouting over each other, all crowded around a particular table.

 

Seated at the table, the reason for all the chaos, is a brown haired, baby-faced man, poring over a menu. Jooheon.

 

Jooheon, Jooheon, Jooheon.

 

Just as Kihyun had said, his manager is seated by his side, talking to him about something that cannot be heard over the din. Jooheon is dressed simply in a brown sweater and dark pants, but he still shines through the crowd.

 

Hyungwon feels all the air leave the room, tearing his chest as it rips out from his lungs. The noise surrounding him quietens, in his mind, to a buzzing hum. There’s nobody in the room except Jooheon.

 

Jooheon,still reading the menu, is unaware that his ex-boyfriend stands just a few steps away. Jooheon, who has never been picky about his food and shouldn’t be taking so long to choose, so maybe he’s on a diet? Jooheon, who is poking his tongue out in concentration, finger going over each item on the menu as he considers.

 

Jooheon, who Hyungwon hadn’t known would be coming home.

 

Jooheon, Jooheon, Jooheon.

 

Someone jostles Hyungwon from behind, and he’s shaken out of his reverie. Thinking fast, he turns sharply away from where Jooheon sat and heads to another table waiting to be served. Of course, as the world always wants him to suffer a million times more than necessary, another waiter makes it there before him. Of course.

 

Hyungwon looks around quickly, looking for literally any table that doesn’t have Jooheon sitting at it. If he avoids him well enough, Jooheon will leave the restaurant without even realising Hyungwon had been there.

 

“Oi! Don’t just stand there, go serve the customer!” The owner’s loud voice rips through the din, and Hyungwon freezes. The crowd turns their stares onto him. Jooheon turns his stare onto him.

 

Hyungwon’s suddenly painfully aware of how he must look right now, standing in a shirt that he’s had on since dawn, hair matted to his forehead with sweat, pants slightly stained from washing dishes. This is not how Hyungwon expected to meet Jooheon again. God, he wants to sink into the ground.

 

Looking down to avoid meeting Jooheon’s eyes, Hyungwon drags his feet towards the table. He can still feel the stares from the crowd of fans boring holes into his back as he moves.

 

“Hyungwon hyung?”

 

Jooheon sounds exactly the same as he did five years ago, back when they’d both dreamt of the stars and Jooheon had not yet become one.

 

“Hi. Can I get you anything?” Hyungwon says, the question coming out too loudly because of his nerves. From his peripheral vision, Hyungwon can see Jooheon’s manager giving him a judging look, but Hyungwon keeps on looking down.

 

“Hyung… I haven’t seen you in ye–”

 

Jooheon is thankfully interrupted by his manager, who orders for the both of them and waves Hyungwon away as quickly as he came, looking impatient. Hyungwon shuffles away as soon as he’s dismissed, face burning. He doesn’t turn back to see Jooheon’s reaction.

 

After he’s walked a short distance away, Hyungwon hears Jooheon’s manager speak.

 

“Honestly, Jooheon, I can’t believe you used to live in this kind of place. Everyone here looks like they dropped out of middle school and have literally never stepped foot out of the town.”

 

Hyungwon _knows_ he’s the one being referred to. He keeps on walking. He doesn’t need to hear what Jooheon has to say.

 

Jooheon doesn’t say a word.

 

Somehow, it hurts more that way.

 

* * *

 

 

_“Don’t tell me you’re actually serious about moving to Seoul?” Hyungwon asked, incredulous._

_Jooheon knew how he felt about this._

 

_“You can’t possibly think I’ll agree to go with you.”_

 

_Jooheon’s eyes widen at Hyungwon’s words, his face betrayed._

 

_“But you have to come with me. We’re going to make it big together! Haven’t we always wanted to do this?”_

 

_Hyungwon looked at his boyfriend, the only one he’d ever entertain the thought of following to the edge of the Earth. But that was just a dream, it was never something that would actually happen. Jooheon had to have known that._

 

_“Coward.” Jooheon accused, voice hard with anger._

 

 _Hyungwon_ hated _that word, hated the derision in Jooheon’s voice, hated how the stars in Jooheon’s eyes were gone, replaced by a void that contained nothing but disgust._

 

 _“Don’t be an idiot Jooheon. There are thousands of people that want to be singers or idols  but they all know it’s just a stupid dream. I’m just trying to be realistic here! You’re_ never _gonna make it!”_

 

_There was a silence. It took a few moments for his words to sink in for Jooheon, a few moments in which Hyungwon could still pretend that nothing between them was broken._

 

_But from the moment those words had left his lips, he knew he’d never deserve Jooheon’s love again. A wall came down between them._

 

_The tears that had been prickling at the edge of his boyfriend’s eyes finally spill over, yet Jooheon gave no other indication that he heard the words at all._

 

_“Jooheon…” Hyungwon’s voice was pleading, but Jooheon was stubborn as always._

 

_He looked into Hyungwon’s eyes with his own wide, wet ones that somehow still had an edge of hardness to them._

 

_His eyes dared Hyungwon to say no._

 

_It was the only dare Hyungwon ever took on in his life._

 

* * *

 

**Part 3. Come Home**

 

Jooheon looks out of the hotel room window at the town where he’d spent his entire childhood.

 

If he looks a short distance away, he can still see the roadside stall where he’d always spend his afternoons, getting free snacks from the owner who loved doting on him and his friends. His eyes follow the road as it stretches towards the middle school. He can almost imagine himself walking along that path now, heading to that school as he used to everyday.

 

His manager headed back to Seoul early to meet a concert organiser for Jooheon’s next event. Jooheon doesn’t know whether to be relieved or worried. He hasn’t really had to handle meeting fans without his manager around before, but he is definitely going to have a little more freedom to explore the town without him around.

 

The stores are all unchanged, the same neighbours still walk the streets, loudly greeting the same familiar faces they pass every day, the same houses still stand untouched by the years that Jooheon had been away, so why does he feel like a tourist?

 

He second-guesses his decision to come home.

 

Jooheon grabs his wallet and phone and decides to head out.

 

When Jooheon left home five years ago, it was at the start of winter and the days had just begun to shorten, the sunsets had just started happening earlier and earlier.

 

Jooheon is home now in February and winter is a month from being over, the roads all covered in snow, everyone wrapped up in a million layers to keep warm. It feels almost as if he only went away for a few months, like he’d been on holiday and just gotten back. A part of him wishes that were true.

 

Five years later and Jooheon is home, lost, wandering aimlessly, alone. He walks past all his old hangouts, the memories flooding back as easily as if he was currently experiencing them. This shitty town, this pathetic little place that only housed people that’d been here their whole lives as if once you left you’d never want to come home again…

 

To Jooheon, some places are just made for leaving.

 

Jooheon takes a while to notice the sky turning orange and red, darkness falling rapidly around him. He had loved the sunsets here when he was a kid.

 

The day was for scalding reality, for school and teachers and people that didn’t believe in him, for keeping silent when someone asked what he was planning to do in the future. He hated the day.

 

Sunsets welcomed the night – the stars that he was born to love, when silence had fallen in the town and he’d fall asleep in his boyfriend’s backyard, soothed by the cool wind and gentle hands cupping his cheeks and soft kisses planted to his face. The night was a family that believed he might actually get somewhere, he wasn’t just a child who was being stupid, a stupid child that would find his place in an office somewhere when he grew up. The night was dreams even before his eyes began to close. The night was Hyungwon.

 

Hyungwon, Hyungwon, Hyungwon.

 

Hyungwon, who was still home five years later. Hyungwon, who all but ran away from him when they’d met again, two days before. Hyungwon, who was working at a restaurant, did he not end up going to university for the law degree he used to keep on talking about? Hyungwon, who’d told him he’d never make it, who’d never called him after that night that he’d turned his back on Jooheon and walked out the door. Hyungwon, who’d lied when he promised him they’d reach the stars _together_.

 

Hyungwon, Hyungwon, Hyungwon.

 

When Jooheon starts heading back to the hotel, his eyes have adjusted to the total  darkness outside. He looks to the sky but there are no stars that night. Almost like the universe is mocking him.

 

“Jooheon hyung!” A vaguely familiar voice calls to Jooheon. He turns around to see a dark-haired boy walking towards him.

 

“Changkyunnie!” Jooheon recognises the boy almost immediately, even though it’s been five years and Changkyun’s hair is tame and black instead of the striking blonde mohawk it used to be and most of his piercings are gone. The younger boy gives him a radiant smile and wraps his arms around him in a hug.

 

Jooheon loses himself in the warmth of it. It’s been so long since the last time he received a hug, it nearly overwhelms him. (He knows it’s a little pathetic.) Changkyun pulls away after nuzzling into his shoulder.

 

“It’s been so long! I missed you so much. How’ve you been?”

 

Changkyun updates him on his life and Jooheon listens quietly, observing his old friend. In five years, Changkyun’s become pretty much a completely different person. The child he used to be best friends with had matured so much that he looked almost older than Jooheon, the lack of dyed hair and piercings making him look gentler than he last did.

 

Changkyun finishes telling him about where he was planning to go for university, and rests his head lightly on Jooheon’s shoulder. The act is so achingly familiar, as if they were still teenagers who still spent every single day together, that Jooheon feels a terrible feeling grip at his chest.

 

He’s painfully aware of how long he’s been away, how he’d all but disappeared from Changkyun’s life. Changkyun gives him a soft smile, so void of any accusation or anger, and when he genuinely tells Jooheon that he’s been supporting him all this time, Jooheon feels the guilt nearly swallow him whole.

 

“Have you seen Hyungwon hyung yet?” Changkyun suddenly asks. Every single thought flies out of Jooheon’s mind, his head snapping up at the mention of the name.

 

Jooheon thinks of how Hyungwon ran away from him that day, face red and clenched fist shaking, without even saying  a single word to him. Hyungwon, beautiful Hyungwon, who his manager looked down on, who his fans didn’t spare a second thought, who’d been sweaty and a little stained with dishwater, but Jooheon swears still outshone everyone in that restaurant.

 

Hyungwon, Hyungwon, Hyungwon.

 

Hyungwon, who turned his back on him again and again and that time too, who probably never wanted to see Jooheon back here.

 

“No, I haven’t,” Jooheon replies, surprising himself with how easily the lie slips out. “How’s he been?”

 

* * *

 

_It took everything Jooheon had to not burn something down that night, with how angry he was feeling. He sat at the dining table, stewing in his own anger, eyes looking anywhere but where Hyungwon was. His mother was a few paces away in front of the sofa, kneeling in front of his boyfriend. Hyungwon was hunched over on himself, looking down to avoid meeting Jooheon’s eyes, fiddling with his own fingers._

 

_Jooheon did not look over there, did not let his eyes travel to the cuts on his boyfriend’s swollen lips, to the bruise that was forming on the side of that beautiful face, to the big eyes that were red with tears that were still falling down his face, dripping onto his fingers silently._

 

_It was 1am when his family had been woken up by Hyungwon knocking on their door. All the grumbles died on Jooheon’s lips the minute he’d seen the older boy, whose entire body shook like a leaf that’d soon be blown away by the wind, who looked at Jooheon with those wide begging eyes and couldn’t say a word._

 

 _(Jooheon had seen bruises along his boyfriend’s arms, seen the boy flinch when anyone would talk too loud or made any sudden move, been to Hyungwon’s house enough, seen Hyungwon get smaller and quiet every time his mother passed by, to know exactly_ who _did this to him.)_

 

_At 3am, Hyungwon apologised for disturbing them with a bow (and a wince that they all pretended not to notice). No matter how much Jooheon’s parents insisted, Hyungwon refused to stay._

 

_“I’ve already caused so much trouble, and I really should be getting home. Thank you for taking care of me.”_

 

_Jooheon didn’t like the idea of Hyungwon going home. Hyungwon left, still resolutely refusing to look at Jooheon._

 

_They’d talked about this before. Jooheon felt the same frustration again, because  he could do nothing to help Hyungwon if Hyungwon was too afraid to let him. He couldn’t help the anger that he felt._

 

_(He knew he wasn’t angry at Hyungwon, really.)_

 

_“Coward,” he thought._

 

* * *

 

Jooheon sits in the hotel room. It’s all he can do.

 

He’s back home after a whole five years away and he’s as useless as he’s always been, here.

 

Anger and a bitter sense of injustice rise up in his chest, filling his throat, tasting like bile.

 

(Changkyun had spilled the story immediately, like he’d come and found Jooheon specifically to tell him about Hyungwon.)

 

Jooheon thinks maybe he should go back to Seoul.

 

( _“His mother was diagnosed with cancer.”_ )

 

He feels himself get off the bed and walk to his suitcase, picking up his stray clothes along the way.

 

( _“He rejected the universities that accepted him so that he could work to pay the hospital bills.”_ )

 

Jooheon takes his time folding the clothes, arranging them neatly and carefully into the suitcase. Kihyun would be proud, he thinks.  

 

( _“Even after she passed away, he didn’t try for university again.”_ )

 

Jooheon heads back to the restaurant.

 

* * *

 

**Part 4. Repeat**

 

Hyungwon works in a daze, letting the water run over his freezing fingers as he washed the dishes half-heartedly. Rinse, repeat. Rinse, repeat. Rinse, repeat.

 

Repeat. Repeat. Repeat.

 

It’s close to midnight. Most of his co-workers went home hours ago, exhausted by the day’s work. Hyungwon, too, wants nothing more than to go back to his apartment and sleep for a million years, if only to sort out his mess of a brain.

 

All thoughts lead back to Jooheon.

 

In five years, he’d done a pretty good job of pushing him to the very back of his mind, where he couldn’t be remembered, hidden way past the mind-numbing repetition of Hyungwon’s unchanging days.

 

Rinse, repeat. Rinse, repeat.

 

(Jooheon, Jooheon, Jooheon. )

 

Jooheon is home now after five years and Hyungwon doesn’t know where to hide those thoughts anymore. Why did he come back? Why, after eighteen years of hating this town, after five years of having escaped, would he come home? And why did those beautiful eyes shine with tears as Hyungwon turned his back that day, when they should’ve held nothing but disgust and spite?

 

Five years later and Hyungwon doesn’t know Jooheon at all anymore.

 

Or maybe he never did, never understood why Jooheon could look at his perfect family who’d done nothing but support him and still want to leave, why he loved Hyungwon when he was so good and talented and brighter than all the stars in the sky and could have had anyone. Maybe he had always loved Jooheon without understanding him, because trying to know Jooheon is like trying to know the stars, those bright but unreachable miracles that he can only crane his neck to see.

 

His head hurts. He wants to stop thinking.

 

Hyungwon looks at the dishes still waiting to be washed and sighs.

 

The dishes had piled up because the restaurant had been a little busier than usual that day, so he’ll definitely be here a while more. The only people that are left in the restaurant besides him are the manager and one waiter who is still working in case of any late-night customers.

 

Hyungwon doesn’t think there’ll be any at this time of the night, especially in a town as quiet and polite as this one. Everyone around here likes to go to bed at 10pm, so the restaurant never gets any business late at night, unless there were tourists in town, which there aren’t.

 

The sound of windchimes as the front door of the restaurant opens surprises him. Apparently he’s wrong about there being no tourists in town. He doesn’t bother to look outside, focusing on the dishes. It’s not his job to deal with customers anyway.

 

The door to the kitchen opens.

 

“Hyungwon hyung.”

 

It’s midnight and Lee Jooheon stands at the door, eyes fixed on Hyungwon. Hyungwon freezes where he is, the water still running along his fingers and sponge still clutched in one hand, unable to run away.  

 

Hyungwon turns off the tap and dries his hands quickly, focusing on the task more than necessary to avoid looking at Jooheon. He hears the other man’s footsteps coming tentatively in his direction, and Jooheon’s nervous breaths warm the air as he approaches.

 

There’s no hiding from Jooheon anymore, now that he’s literally standing right in front of Hyungwon. He steels himself to look up.

 

Jooheon’s eyes are glistening, begging silently for Hyungwon to say something, begging him to acknowledge that his ex-boyfriend is back.

 

“You’re home.”

 

Hyungwon swallows thickly. Jooheon’s face splits into a relieved grin, like Hyungwon’s two words were enough to forget their fight or their five long years of not talking. It hurts something inside Hyungwon because Jooheon’s relief is almost as if he was waiting for Hyungwon’s forgiveness, when Hyungwon had been the one to hurt him. As if Hyungwon hadn’t been the one to run away, again, when they’d met that day.

 

It’s the guilt that makes it easier to talk.

 

“How’ve you been?” Hyungwon asks.

 

Jooheon tells Hyungwon everything that he already knows – his agency, his debut, his albums, his concerts. Hyungwon listens like it’s his first time learning about this, like he hasn’t spent years keeping up with Jooheon’s life.

 

Hyungwon watches Jooheon with a soft smile. The younger boy looks so different yet similar to when Hyungwon had seen him in his teens – he looked older now and the bags under his eyes weren’t there before, but he still has that baby face with the round cheeks that he surprisingly hadn’t yet lost, those big puppy eyes, those soft lips, and he was still so beautiful, and so perfectly far off.

 

All those years spent dreaming, wishing on every shooting star and fallen eyelash, talking about what they would one day be… Jooheon is now there. (And _there_ is very far from where Hyungwon is.) Hyungwon is so happy for Jooheon, hearing him talk about his achievements with so much pride in his voice.

 

Jooheon asks what Hyungwon’s been up to, even though he’s standing in the messy kitchen, facing Hyungwon who has a million dishes left to wash piled up in front of him. Hyungwon obliges anyway, telling Jooheon about how his life has been since he left.

 

“I haven’t really left town much, I haven’t really had an opportunity,” he tells Jooheon.

 

“Except for when I went to Seoul for Kihyun and Minhyuk’s wedding. Which was… unexpected, to say the least. You know how they were always fighting.”  

 

He leaves out some parts – how happy his mother had been to hear that Jooheon was gone, thank goodness Hyungwon wouldn’t be influenced by that ‘punk’ anymore, how he’d wanted nothing more than to follow him that day, how he missed him every day and nearly left almost a thousand times.

 

He doesn’t tell Jooheon about how much he wishes he’d left, about all those years of watching Jooheon among the stars and wishing he’d learnt to fly a spaceship too.

 

He doesn’t tell Jooheon about his mother.

 

“There’s not really much else to say,” Hyungwon tells Jooheon with a sheepish laugh.

 

There’s a split second, a blink-and-you’ll-miss-it moment, when Hyungwon thinks he sees Jooheon’s eyes harden. Then that moment is over and Jooheon’s face breaks into a smile and he laughs along with Hyungwon.

 

There’s a layer of awkwardness in their conversation – maybe because Jooheon is in a branded sweater that sits perfectly on his frame, ripped jeans displaying his perfect thighs, glowing, and Hyungwon fidgets with the edge of his ratty shirt that he’s had forever, still trying to avoid his ex-boyfriend’s eyes.

 

(Or maybe it’s because they’re making small talk as if they both don’t remember when Hyungwon had told Jooheon how stupid his dreams were and stormed out the door, or they both don’t remember how they used to be each other’s other halves and now they barely know each other.)

 

Hyungwon tries not to act relieved when Jooheon finally makes a motion to leave. He walks Jooheon to the door.  

 

“I really missed you, you know.” Jooheon’s eyes are glistening when Hyungwon looks at them. Why does it seems like all he can do for Jooheon these days is to make him cry?

 

“I really, _really_ missed you.” Jooheon’s voice sounds pleading. There’s something he isn’t saying. Hyungwon’s never been good at hearing things that aren’t said.

 

He tells Jooheon he missed him too.

 

There’s nothing else he wants to say.

 

* * *

 

Jooheon comes by the restaurant a lot after that night, just to hang out.

 

Hyungwon’s worried, at first, about the owner’s reaction to his job getting disrupted so much, but he needn’t have worried. The owner is simply over the moon to have the famous rapper Jooheon coming to his restaurant every other day, bringing with him his entourage of fans and a booming business for the restaurant.

 

Hyungwon wonders when Jooheon is going back to Seoul. Jooheon has been home for a few days now, and Hyungwon still doesn’t know why. Jooheon’s parents had followed him to Seoul the previous year, meaning Jooheon isn’t back for a family reunion. But Hyungwon can’t think of any other reason Jooheon has returned, when there is nothing for him here.

 

(He ignores the little voice in his head that says, “Except for _me_.”)

 

* * *

 

**Part 5. Betrayal**

 

Betrayal number one: Changkyun doesn’t warn Hyungwon that Jooheon’s going to be tagging along when he comes over for their weekly movie night.

 

So it’s a huge surprise when Hyungwon opens the door and gets a face full of Jooheon, who’s nervously puffing his cheeks and rubbing his hands to keep warm. Him and Changkyun are both wrapped up in huge coats, arms laden with snacks.

 

“Oh.” In his shock, the word comes out colder than Hyungwon means it to. Jooheon’s face falls.

 

“Come in! Sorry, it’s just that Changkyun didn’t tell me you’d be joining us.” Hyungwon’s tone comes out more welcoming this time, to his relief. He steps aside to let them in.

 

They take off their layers once the door’s been shut to keep out the cold, and Hyungwon moves his space heater closer. Changkyun immediately flops down onto the pile of blankets that are waiting in front of the tiny television, pulling one over himself.

 

Jooheon stands near the couch after putting down the snacks, fiddling with his thumbs, looking around the house. Hyungwon realises with a jolt that this is the first time Jooheon’s ever seen his apartment. The thought makes him feel strangely shy.

 

Hyungwon goes to sit on the right side of Changkyun, who’s already made himself comfortable, nesting in the blankets as if he’d always been there.

 

“Aren’t you gonna come cuddle?” Changkyun calls out, gesturing Jooheon over. He opens the blanket up for Jooheon to join him, patting the spot on his left. Jooheon shuffles over awkwardly, inserting himself into the space next to Changkyun.

 

They put on an old movie, one they’d watched as kids. The movie starts with its familiar beginning and Hyungwon smiles fondly at the memory.

 

Betrayal number two: Changkyun falls asleep on Hyungwon’s shoulder halfway through the movie.

 

By the time the movie ends, Hyungwon’s shoulder has gone stiff from trying to keep a sleeping Changkyun comfortable. He sleeps with his cheek lightly pressed against Hyungwon’s shoulder, his breath warming Hyungwon’s skin. The moment is so calming and routine that Hyungwon nearly forgets who else is with them, until Jooheon crawls out from under the blankets and starts to stretch.

 

“That was a good movie, huh?” Jooheon says before yawning loudly and covering his mouth in embarrassment. Hyungwon giggles at the sight, then gently lifts Changkyun’s head off his shoulder so that he can get out of the uncomfortable position. He walks over to join Jooheon on the couch.

 

“You were sleeping for the whole movie! Don’t wake up now just to laugh at me!” Jooheon pouts. Hyungwon’s face scrunches up in a laugh and he shakes his head in denial. Jooheon playfully knocks him in the arm.

 

“I’m surprised _you_ stayed awake long enough to see the movie start, sleepyhead,” Hyungwon jokes. Jooheon’s pout becomes more exaggerated at Hyungwon’s teasing, so naturally Hyungwon reaches out to pinch his cheeks.

 

Jooheon fights out of his grip and jumps onto the run-down couch, throwing a pillow at him and using another one as a shield. Hyungwon laughs at the precious sight and throws the pillow back. It misses Jooheon’s head and lands on the floor behind the couch.

 

There isn’t much time for Jooheon to gloat over it, because Hyungwon throws all caution to the wind and also himself at Jooheon next. Jooheon lets out a little squeak of surprise but laughs at the action.

 

The sound of it manages to wake Changkyun, who opens his eyes slowly, blinking as he takes in his surroundings. Hyungwon and Jooheon both watch him as he rubs his eyes and pushes himself to his feet.

 

“I’m gonna go home now,” he announces, once he’s fully awake. He then proceeds to walk out the door with his coat before they can respond.  

 

That’s betrayal number three.

 

It’s only when Changkyun leaves that Hyungwon becomes aware of the position he’s in right now. Jooheon is trapped under him on the couch, their faces inches apart. Hyungwon jumps off the couch, his face beet red.

 

There’s a silence. They don’t look at each other.

 

Jooheon only shrugs and giggles, but it’s enough to break the tension. Hyungwon sits back down on the couch, leaving some space between them. He puts the space heater on the table in front of the couch and passes Jooheon a blanket.

 

“How’ve your parents been? How’s your mother?” He asks. Jooheon’s parents basically raised him too, and he remembers them fondly.

 

“They’re doing great! Mum really likes it in Seoul. She goes for yoga lessons and stuff every other day, she’s made a lot of friends.” When Jooheon talks about his parents, his eyes have the same stars in them as they used to when they were kids. Hyungwon smiles adoringly at the sight.

 

Jooheon looks like he wants to say something but doesn’t, again. Instead he reaches for the bag of potato chips they still haven’t finished and starts to eat. Hyungwon doesn’t push the topic.

 

He comes closer to Jooheon until they are shoulder to shoulder, brushing lightly against each other. This awkward kind of closeness is as unfamiliar to him as Jooheon is now, but Hyungwon considers it a step forward, proof that now after five years they’re becoming comfortable with each other again.

 

“Hyung…” Jooheon starts to speak, but trails off. He tightens his shoulders and clenches his jaw, like he always used to when he was steeling himself to do something. Hyungwon doesn’t really like where this is going, but doesn’t stop it.

 

“I didn’t know about what happened to your mother.” Jooheon finally spits it out. Hyungwon finally understands why Jooheon’s been looking at him weirdly every time they’ve met. The pitying stares, the walking on eggshells, as if Hyungwon is something fragile that he is afraid of breaking. But how could Jooheon know?

 

“Changkyun told me. About everything.” Jooheon answers his unspoken question.

 

And there’s betrayal number four.

 

Hyungwon holds back his anger and hurt. Jooheon doesn’t deserve to be on the receiving end of that.  

 

“It’s not a big deal. It’s been years, I’ve gotten over it.” It’s both a lie and the truth – Hyungwon had been broken when his mother passed away, and it still affects him to this day, but really he knows she was abusive and terrible and he should never have mourned her.

 

“Good.” Jooheon says, gaze fixed onto his own lap. He knows exactly what Hyungwon’s mother had been like, more than anyone.

 

They sit in silence like that for a few minutes. The atmosphere is so tense. Hyungwon busies his mind by wondering if Changkyun got home safe, planning when to wake up the next day, anything to not think of Jooheon who can still see right through him.

 

(Jooheon, Jooheon, Jooheon.)

 

“Why didn’t you tell me?” Jooheon asks. His question contains a world of hurt.

 

“We weren’t talking. I didn’t think you wanted to know.”

 

Jooheon’s head snaps up and he looks up at Hyungwon, incredulous. Hyungwon can sense the tension building up, about to explode, and then it does.

 

“Really? I grew up with you. You basically lived in my house because of how she treated you! What, you didn’t think I’d care?”

 

Their faces are so close to each other that Hyungwon can see, up close, Jooheon’s big eyes widened in anger, his nostrils flared, his lips trembling. He moves back instinctively, averting his gaze.

 

“You were busy with your music and Kihyun told me about how stressed you were, so I didn’t want to add on. I’m sorry if that upset you.”

 

Jooheon gets up from the couch in a sudden flurry of movement, feet coming down on the floor harshly as he moves a few steps away, like he can’t stand to be near Hyungwon anymore.

 

“It upsets me because you didn’t think to tell me when something like that happened! You didn’t think I’d want to know?”

 

Hyungwon takes a deep breath, careful not to lose his cool. He’s too tired to fight Jooheon today.

 

“You were in Seoul, and you were busy.I didn’t want to stress you out by telling you and making you come all the way back here when already you had so much to deal with.”

 

“Why don’t you just drop the caring act and admit that you forgot about me the moment I left?”

 

Hyungwon feels himself get up as well, fists clenched.

 

“My mother fucking _died_ , Jooheon. I had to pay for her hospital bills and arrange the funeral by myself before I even had a chance to mourn her! So I’m sorry if you’re hurt that you weren’t invited to the party. I guess maybe I had better things to do than randomly call up my ex-boyfriend to let him know!”

 

Jooheon steps back, flinching away from Hyungwon’s words as if they were a slap in the face. They both avoid the other’s eyes, breathing heavily.  

 

Hyungwon feels suffocated, like he’s encased in a bubble and Jooheon stands just outside of it, so they can barely see or hear each other. Hyungwon just wants to return to the calm of mere seconds ago, when they could pretend they aren’t separated by a million miles and years and miscommunications.

 

His gaze lands on Jooheon’s lips, which quiver with emotion, just as they’d done so many years ago, when they’d both been different people, back when Hyungwon had actually _known_ Jooheon.

 

Maybe the space heater finally broke, because all the warmth seems to have left the room suddenly, and Jooheon shivers. Hyungwon breathes in deep.

 

“I didn’t mean to yell. I’m sorry.”

 

Jooheon shrugs and shakes his head, like it’s no big deal. They sit back down after a few beats, still avoiding each other’s eyes.

 

Neither of them say a word, but sit in silence, tension hanging in the air. Jooheon has his gaze turned towards the blank screen of the television. Hyungwon observes Jooheon, his sharp side profile, his curly brown hair framing his pretty face.

 

“It seems like you and Changkyun have grown a lot closer.” Jooheon starts the conversation again hesitantly, turning his head so he’s at least facing Hyungwon. Hyungwon wants to reply but his throat is suddenly dry, so he nods wordlessly.

 

“It’s such a surprise how much he grew up in only a few years. I still remember when he used to dye his hair and get in trouble with the school.”

 

They both chuckle at the memory, picturing the principal’s scandalised expression as Changkyun casually showed up to school with blond hair, looking completely unapologetic.

 

“He was scolded so many times back then, who knew he’d turn out to be so mature?” Hyungwon muses, smiling fondly at the thought of the younger boy.

 

Jooheon laughs.

 

“Honestly, Changkyun will always be a baby to me. But he’s leaving for university soon, right?”

 

Hyungwon nods with a sigh. He doesn’t really want to be reminded of that sad fact right now – Changkyun still has a few more months here and Hyungwon is already feeling the loneliness creep in (because people that leave him don’t come back).

 

“What about you, hyung? Don’t you want to attend university?”

 

( _“Don’t be selfish! Why can’t you be grateful for what you have?”_ His mother shouts in his head.)

 

He shrugs but doesn’t reply with words, not wanting to discuss it any further.

 

“I remember you wanted to be a lawyer when we were kids. Maybe you could take a course for that?” Jooheon pushes on, still stubbornly pursuing the topic.

 

Hyungwon laughs off the question, ignoring the heat rising in his cheeks.

 

“It’s okay, I’m fine with staying here. I’m really okay where I am.”

 

(He doesn’t know if it’s himself or Jooheon he’s trying to convince.)

 

Jooheon all but growls in response, suddenly rising from the couch again to stand over Hyungwon.

 

“You’re _okay_ with where you are? What the hell does that even mean? Are you still as big of a coward as you were five years ago?”

 

Hyungwon barely can open his mouth to respond before Jooheon continues.

 

“You know I used to think we’d conquer the world together? What a joke. Look at you! You’re too much of a wimp to do anything and that’s the real reason you’re still stuck in this shitty town after five years when you could have been literally anything you wanted!”

 

Hyungwon’s eyes snap up to meet Jooheon’s. He feels like he’s been punched in the face. Jooheon’s eyes are glistening again, and seriously, why can he only make Jooheon cry?

 

The couch feels like it could swallow him whole. He stands up slowly.

 

“It’s getting pretty late. I think you should leave now.” He says quietly, moving to walk Jooheon to the door of the apartment.

 

Jooheon walks out of Hyungwon’s house wordlessly, a dark cloud hanging over his face.

 

“Just forget about this, okay, Jooheon? Don’t go to bed angry.” Hyungwon tells him gently. Jooheon acts like he didn’t hear, turning to leave.

 

“Let’s see each other again before you go. Tell me when you’re about to go back to Seoul so I can send you off, okay?”

 

Jooheon doesn’t say no.

 

* * *

 

**Part 6. Home**

 

Changkyun is surprisingly calm when Hyungwon (still in shock, shaking in excitement) tells him about having quit his job at the restaurant.

 

“Good,” he says with a laugh. “Soapy dish water and grease was not a good look on you.”

 

Hyungwon’s hands finally stop shaking when Changkyun takes them into his own, rubbing circles into them with his thumbs, giving him a glowing smile.

 

The world is different when Hyungwon gets home that day.

 

(Rinse. ~~Repeat~~.)

 

* * *

 

_“Changkyunnie thinks I should break up with you.”_

 

_Jooheon looked up at his boyfriend but didn’t raise his head from where it rested on the table._

 

_“Huh?”_

 

_Hyungwon shrugged. He pushed his chair closer to Jooheon._

 

_“He says I’m too good for you. He was joking, but I think he might be right.” His tone was light, but his grip where he intertwined their fingers was tight._

 

_Without answering, Jooheon brought Hyungwon’s hand to his lips, planting a kiss on the back of his boyfriend’s hand._

 

_In the darkness of the classroom, Jooheon could barely make out Hyungwon’s features, save the small smile playing at the edge of his lips._

 

_Hyungwon didn’t say anything more about it. He joined Jooheon to rest his head on the table so that their faces were inches apart. Jooheon couldn’t tear his eyes away from Hyungwon, his pretty pink lips, his big eyes that forever twinkled with affection._

 

_Jooheon’s heart skipped a beat when Hyungwon reached out, his long fingers stretching towards Jooheon’s cheeks. Hyungwon squeezed them affectionately, then his fingers trailed softly across Jooheon’s lips._

 

_It was lunch break and they still had lessons after, and the world would have to start again soon, but now Hyungwon played with his fingers, speaking in his quiet way, eyes on Jooheon the entire time, and it felt like night._

 

_Jooheon closed his eyes when Hyungwon leaned over, pressing a soft kiss onto his cheeks._

 

_(Hyungwon didn’t have to know that his beloved Changkyun – the little shit – was going to die by Jooheon’s hand later that day.)_

 

* * *

 

9:00 A.M. There’s an hour left until he has to check out.

 

Jooheon finally locks his suitcase, tired after what feels like a full day of packing. He looks around the hotel room he’d been in for three weeks, now completely empty of his things.

 

Once he gets back to Seoul he has to get to work on his new album, so he’s at least glad for the long trip back. His manager doesn’t really understand the concept of a break that goes beyond a day, so this vacation is already a huge stretch for him.

 

There’s a knock at his door.

 

Jooheon goes to answer it, combing his fingers through his hair along the way. It’s probably one of the hotel staff, he can just tell them to come back later.

 

It’s Changkyun, bright-eyed and wrapped up in a million layers, begging to be let in to the room.

 

“It’s _so_ cold, hyung. I came to see you but I nearly turned into an ice block on the way.” Changkyun whines, but gratefully walks into the room’s warmth. He immediately jumps onto the bed, tucking himself into the blanket.

 

“I haven’t seen you since the day we had the movie night! Shouldn’t you come to visit your old best friend more?” Changkyun demands with a pout. Jooheon laughs awkwardly and apologises, trying to discreetly move in front of his packed luggage.

 

Changkyun is lively as always, chattering on about anything that came to mind. Jooheon loses himself in the sound of Changkyun’s voice, mind drifting to other things.

 

(Hyungwon, Hyungwon, Hyungwon.)

 

“You’re leaving already?”

 

Jooheon only realises then that Changkyun has trailed off, staring around the empty room in surprise. Changkyun looks up at Jooheon, jaw set.

 

“I have to get back to Seoul and prepare for my next album.”

 

“So you were just going to leave without telling us?” Changkyun’s tone is a mixture of anger and desperation, like he’s hoping Jooheon will explain this away somehow. Jooheon feels shame rise in his chest.

 

Changkyun sees his lack of a response and looks even angrier.

 

“I know you think he’s a coward or whatever, but Hyungwon hyung really does care about you. I know he’s really quiet about it, but he really loves you and he’s supported you this whole time. Don’t you think you at least _owe_ it to him to not disappear without a word?”

 

Jooheon can’t even look in Changkyun’s direction.

 

* * *

 

 

It’s 5pm when Jooheon decides to take a walk on the street.

 

His manager had been nothing short of pissed when Jooheon called to tell him he’d be staying for a few more days. Jooheon knows he should’ve been more apologetic, but his manager isn’t even first on the list of people he’s let down today.

 

( _“You don’t have to say anything. Whether you tell him or not is up to you, but you’re a really shitty friend if you think for a_ second _that this won’t hurt him.” The Changkyun in his head says it quietly, the sound of it roaring over the manager’s nagging._ )

 

It’s 5.13pm when he meets Hyungwon.

 

Hyungwon’s dressed in a long coat, hands wrapped in thick mittens, his soft hair falling into his eyes – which widen at the sight of Jooheon.

 

“Weren’t you supposed to be heading back to Seoul this morning?”

 

Jooheon nearly freezes on the spot, taken by surprise at Hyungwon’s question.

 

“How did you know that?”

 

Hyungwon gives him a tight-lipped smile. He pulls his coat tighter around himself and walks towards Jooheon. Jooheon resists the urge to step back, forces himself not to run away.

 

“I heard your manager reminding you about it that day in the restaurant.” Hyungwon’s eyes are fixed on him, his gentle gaze somehow threatening to burn holes through Jooheon. It makes Jooheon feel completely vulnerable, he almost wants to hide.

 

Jooheon tries to laugh off the tension that hangs over them, the sound coming out absurdly loud and forced.

 

“Why would I leave without telling you first?” Jooheon can feel the shame rolling off him in waves. It’s a question, so it isn’t technically a lie. It still hangs heavy on his shoulders, and he keeps his eyes focused on everything but Hyungwon.

 

Hyungwon’s quiet for a few seconds. Jooheon can feel himself being watched, Hyungwon’s big eyes following his every move, but he can’t look at him.

 

“I guess I’ve never really known you to stay.” Hyungwon mumbles the reply, almost like he doesn’t want Jooheon to hear it. He still watches Jooheon.

 

The wind today is harsh, slapping Jooheon’s face like a thousand needles. How has he not felt it before? He wraps his arms around himself in an effort to keep warm. Hyungwon’s brows furrow at the sight of Jooheon shivering.

 

“It’s getting cold. Do you want to head inside?” Hyungwon’s biting his lip, a habit he’s had since he was a child. Jooheon only notices then that Hyungwon’s stepped closer, now standing so close Jooheon can see his breath. He nods, and they walk off together.

 

Jooheon jumps when Hyungwon throws an arm casually around his shoulder, pulling him closer. Hyungwon doesn’t notice the reaction, just leads Jooheon to the block of apartments, digging for his keys with his other hand. The action is so nonchalant, as if their last conversation hadn’t even happened, and Jooheon is completely lost.

 

* * *

 

Just like the last time he’d been there, Jooheon still thinks it’s crazy how out of place Hyungwon looks in his own apartment. Standing amongst the plain, peeling walls, the worn-down couch, the ratty furniture, Hyungwon – beautiful, radiant Hyungwon – just doesn’t belong.

 

Hyungwon looks up at him.

 

“Just make yourself comfortable, you’ve already been here before.” Hyungwon doesn’t bring up what happened that time, and Jooheon doesn’t know if he should be relieved.

 

Hyungwon bumbles around the apartment for a bit, and returns with a cup of tea which he hands to Jooheon. He sits down next to him, painfully close. Jooheon can feel the warmth of Hyungwon’s body and tries not to lean into it.

 

“Do you…” Hyungwon trails off as soon as he starts, looking hesitant. “Do you think we should talk about it?”

 

“About what?”

 

“I don't know. Us. You. That night. Whatever.” Hyungwon still watches him, and Jooheon feels like squirming under the scrutiny.

 

Jooheon finds himself physically unable to open his mouth to reply. Hyungwon’s sudden sigh cuts through the silence.

 

“I’m really sorry… about that night. The night you left.” Hyungwon’s fidgeting with the edge of his shirt, still biting his lips. Jooheon’s heart clenches painfully.

 

Jooheon swallows. In this state now, sitting so close to Hyungwon that they almost touch, when everything is so quiet, when Hyungwon’s looking at him with his big beautiful eyes, it’s so hard to feel like he’s not just a teenager, sensitive and over-emotional.

 

“You promised me.” Jooheon breathes in deep, and damn it, why is it so hard to not sound like he’s in hysterics? Fucking hell.

 

“I was so scared that day but I thought I at least had you, and you promised we’d leave together. But you let me go and I was all alone.”

 

Hyungwon’s eyes shift away from Jooheon for what seems like the first time that day. Hanging his head, he looks almost like a berated child. The invisible grip around Jooheon’s heart unclenches just a little.

 

“I’m so sorry, Jooheon. I really am. I should have come with you and… God, I really wanted to come with you but I was too much of a coward and– And you have always deserved someone better than me.”

 

Jooheon is suddenly very glad for the calm atmosphere, because personally he feels ready to throw something or knock something over.

 

“No, I deserved you! Don’t say sorry and then pretend it was just because you were the wrong person for me, as if I should’ve been someone else’s responsibility. I didn’t need anyone else, I needed you, but you were just too afraid to be there for me! Stop saying sorry, stop brushing things aside, stop making yourself smaller and thinking you’re not enough.”

 

Ironically, Hyungwon seems to shrink even further at Jooheon’s words.

 

“I wanted to go after you the minute you left. When you left, I couldn’t even leave my room for days and I just kept beating myself up about not leaving with you… You have no idea how much I missed you, Jooheonie, I swear.”

 

Hyungwon takes a gasping breath, and Jooheon realises his eyes are wet with tears.

 

“I tried to leave so many times, Jooheon. But then everything happened with my mother… I couldn’t even think of leaving. I’m really sorry.”

 

Tears prickle at the edge of Jooheon’s eyes, but he blinks them away furiously.

 

“I get it, I really do. And I don’t want to be a dick, but you’re telling me that in five years you couldn’t have visited or even called?”

 

Hyungwon turns to fully face him, so abruptly that Jooheon moves back a little. His gaze is fiery.

 

“How could I have?” Hyungwon’s voice is shaky when he asks the question. “You left for Seoul and never turned back. You changed your number, you didn’t tell anyone else you were leaving… Just like how you were going to leave today too.”

 

Hyungwon goes on, not letting Jooheon interrupt.

 

“You know me, Jooheon. I _am_ a coward and I’m afraid to do so many things, but I’d have done anything for you. I didn’t come with you that night, and I’ll always be sorry for that. But when I told you I was too afraid to join you, you left just like that. Because, and I’m not faulting you for this, you put your ambitions above literally everything and every _one_ else. But maybe– maybe all I needed was for you to ask me again. You didn’t. So how could I have?”

 

The usual noise of the town quietens to an indistinguishable buzz, the howling of the winter wind barely a whisper in the air. The silence is almost tangible, hanging over them like a soggy blanket. Jooheon can barely gather his thoughts.

 

“Okay, sure,” he concedes. “But what you _actually_ said was that my dreams were stupid and I would never make it.”

 

Hyungwon barely moves where he sits, not even to wipe away the tears that have begun to slip silently down his face. He looks at Jooheon with big, wet eyes.

 

“I know. And I’m sorry. I was afraid and insecure and I dumped it all on you. You didn’t deserve that.” The earnest look in Hyungwon’s eyes melts away whatever’s left of his anger and hurt.

 

He nods. Hyungwon’s entire posture relaxes in relief at Jooheon’s small gesture.

 

Jooheon sips at the tea that’s already gone cold after being forgotten for so long in his hands. Hyungwon takes a few more halting breaths, then rubs a sleeve over his wet eyes, pouting his lips slightly. Jooheon feels a smile forming on his face at the precious sight.

 

Jooheon tries not to jump out of his skin when Hyungwon puts his head on his shoulder, softly nuzzling into his neck. He returns the fond gesture, resting lightly onto Hyungwon’s head, feeling the soft hair tickle his nose.

 

Like all those years ago, Jooheon gets lost in Hyungwon. Hyungwon, who’s closed his eyes and looks so calm he could be asleep. Hyungwon, whose cheek is squishing against his shoulder in a sight that is too adorable to describe in words. Hyungwon, who has grabbed Jooheon’s hands and intertwined their fingers, holding tight.

 

Hyungwon, Hyungwon, Hyungwon.

 

“You know, Jooheon,” Hyungwon mumbles into his shoulder. “You’re too good for me.”

 

Jooheon blinks at him, confused.

 

“You’re so good and talented and you work so hard… You’re just a really good person, Jooheonie. And you’ve been doing so much better since you left. Since you got away from me.”

 

Hyungwon lifts his head off of Jooheon’s shoulder and looks him in the eyes.

 

“I know you’re only staying because you feel bad for me. I don’t want to hold you back, so you should just go back to Seoul already.”

 

Jooheon sighs. He doesn’t want to be angry anymore, not with Hyungwon. Instead he channels the anger towards everyone that made Hyungwon this way – with all due respect to the dead, of course.  

 

“I haven’t been better off without you.” He admits it calmly, not letting Hyungwon pull his hand away, gripping it tight.

 

“I thought I was going to Seoul to be everything we talked about being. But I never felt like I was living my dreams. Because every time I thought of the future as a kid, you were always part of my dreams. That’s why I came back. For you.”

 

Jooheon can’t tear his eyes away from Hyungwon’s pretty pink lips that have parted in surprise at Jooheon’s sudden confession.

 

“I quit my job.” Hyungwon admits suddenly. The words come out in a rush, like he’s been holding himself back from telling Jooheon immediately. “It was the most terrifying thing I’ve ever done.”

 

He flashes Jooheon a blinding grin and Jooheon feels his heart soar.

 

“I’m leaving for Seoul in two days. Come with me.”

 

Hyungwon doesn’t say no.

 

* * *

 

**Epilogue**

 

When Jooheon comes home from the studio, it’s already 1.27am. He opens the door and dumps all his things on the floor, immediately heading to his room to crash.

 

The door of the bedroom is slightly ajar, revealing a lanky figure slumped over the desk in the corner of the bedroom, books stacked around his head. Jooheon enters the room quietly, tip-toeing towards the figure.

 

As predicted, he is already fast asleep, drooling slightly onto his lecture notes, pen slipping out from his slackened grip. His eyelids flutter as he dreams. The only sounds in the air are the soft sounds of his in-out breathing and the so-called “study music” that always seems to act more like a lullaby.

 

As if he senses Jooheon there, Hyungwon’s eyes open.

 

“You’re back later than usual.” He says quietly, voice heavy with sleep. Jooheon reaches down to run his fingers through his boyfriend’s hair, untangling the strands that have become messy from the nap.

 

“I had to finish recording a song,” Jooheon explains apologetically. Hyungwon smiles and gets off the chair, walking closer to him.

 

Months later and Jooheon’s heart still somehow skips a beat when Hyungwon stands too close.

Hyungwon’s lips are only inches from his own now.

 

“Well, you’re home now. So let’s head to bed, okay?”

 

A peck on the lips.

 

Hyungwon takes Jooheon’s hand and drags him to the bed. It’s 1.35am and everything is quiet in the world and they are lost in each other.

 

(Hyungwon, Hyungwon, Hyungwon. Jooheon, Jooheon, Jooheon.)

 

They crawl into bed. Another peck on the lips.

 

Hyungwon wraps an arm around his boyfriend and pulls him towards his chest. The heating is fully functional and they have a million blankets. They still cuddle to keep warm.

 

In a few days, they’ll be going to visit Minhyuk and Kihyun. Hyungwon’s as excited as he can be, in his exhausted state. Jooheon tells him in a sleepy mumble that Changkyun’s going to America for university.

 

They’re both tired. Jooheon is busy working on his new album and Hyungwon hasn’t finished the required reading for the next day’s lecture.

 

Tomorrow will be a different day.

**Author's Note:**

> My third work for the fandom! This fic was such a journey to write and I am so so proud of it, I hope you all enjoyed it as well. Please leave kudos/ comments!!
> 
> (you can find me on tumblr @sakurachae or on twitter @hyunghonie) 
> 
> (and 99% of the credit for this fic has to go to my friend megan because without her i literally would've given up on this fic ages ago)


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